A letter To Myself

Dear Self,

People always tell me "J, You got the Good Life"
"J you Know everybody, What 's Going down tonight???"
"J I kow you hitting that..."

What do people really know? They know only what I show them and what they speculate based off the average male in my postion would strive towards.
That would tally up to sex, partying, sex, making tons of money... Did i Mention Sex?
I am sick and tired of people no longer looking to see who I am and just seeing who they want to see.
I and sick and tired of people assumin I am Perfect.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I just find myself just wanting to slow down life for a brief moment. Sex i sa game too many people are willing to play and it doesnt excite me as much as it did before.
It thrown out there left and right and the seduction and taboo of it is lost.
If I wanted I could take every offer that was presented to me and add notches to my belt...
But Would be the point? Where would be the fun in that? There is no chase... No mystery... No seduction.

It has been a year since I made choices in my life that were rather drastic and changed my life style for the better.
I have been through so many experiences, seen so many things, done so many crazy and outlandish things and made some memoriable irresponsible choices.
I have enjoyed every second of it... But I sit here now thinking to myself...
Wondering if I have hit my ceiling.. If there is nothing more to challange me.
I look for the chase and thrill but I can't seem to find it.

Been there, Done that. I am 20 yrs old and I have done more things and been in more places in one month then many have done in their lifetimes.
I have gathered Random Facts and watched as people worked their lives away worrying about supporting an unknown future.
That is not me. A tie and a cube isn't where I belong.
I belong out in the world, Feet to pavement making moves and living in the action slowing down only when buisness needs to be handled. When I do slow doen it feels as if there is something out there waiting for me so it can happen.

I feel like an addict looking for a way out. I feel drawn to make it to the next level, to feel accomplished,to do what isn't expected of me and actually make something of myself.

Do I Really want to though?
...
Do I want to grow up and be responsible?
......
Do I want to be the guy with the nice house, car and job???

Because with that comes stress, Headaches and pressure. Do I Really want to take that next step to that new level or Just cruise as I am?

Just bullshit through the Rest of College and stay under the radar as I have become accustom to... Above the level of loser... but under the level of a celebrity... Just that guy who is there and everyone Loves and Knows...

What Do I do???

Signed,

A man Lost In a Sea of Questions