A Father's Shadow...

As a young boy you are expected to look up to your father and want to be the perfect son to impress your him. Your father is suppose to be a shinning example of how to act and hold yourself. A model father would play catch with his son and teach him the ropes of just being a rambunctious little kid. He should be there through your ups, downs and everything in between.

Growing up as a kid I had no father figure. I had my mother who worked three jobs and was rarely home, two older brothers who ran the streets of Brooklyn being the kids they were, my aunts who had their own kids to worry about and older cousins who paid me no mind and never gave me the time of day because I was just too small. So where did that leave me? It left me as a quiet young child who wanted some attention but at such a young age I would just get in the way. So I always found some way to occupy my time. Reading the same book over and over, watching the same movies over and over, playing inside a cardboard box and pretending to be some where doing very adventerous things and all the while content with what I was doing.

Growing up I always knew who my father was. The man who sent pictures to us from place. The person my mother loved. the person my brothers despised. The man who couldn't wait to meet me. Until my teenage years I never really understood what all that was. As a child I looked like my father and everyone helped I didnt become him. Until I actually saw whaat my father was like I didnt get this concept.

It is not a good feeling to feel helpless while a man who is suppose to be a role model to you abuses your mother, forces your brothers further and futher away from you because they want you to have a father but dont want anything to do with him. Being confused because your family smiles in your father's face and say he is good for nothing behind his back.

The older i get the more I fear I may become him. There is an anger in me that I fear I may one day not be able to control. i watched my brothers have that aggresiveness of my mother and I have seen what they can do. I being a combination of the two puts me in a spot where I am not quite sure what I would do if I lost control. I try to be the best man I can be by respecting females and trying to stay away from being dependent of them. I try to help my mother out within reason without feeling like a slave. I try to stay connected with my brothers and for the rest of my family... they could kick rocks and fall off a cliff for all I care.

I live my life a day at a time and I try to keep in mind that I am not my father, because I am his offspring I will NOT be a mess like him. I will not take advantage of others and treat them like they don't matter. I know the world doesn't revolve around me( although I wish it could at times) My father was a Dick and is now lonely and god only knows what he i sup to right now but I know I have people in my life who care about me and who are there for me.

People say you need a father figure in a boy's life or he will end up a thug in the street up to no good. Look at me though...level headed, loved, and doing something with my life. My mother and brothers kept me on the path. I'm not perfect and I know I have my faults, but at the end of the day I can be proud of what I see in the mirror and no longer live in my father's Shadow

The Boy Wonder Signing off...