A letter To Myself

Dear Self,

People always tell me "J, You got the Good Life"
"J you Know everybody, What 's Going down tonight???"
"J I kow you hitting that..."

What do people really know? They know only what I show them and what they speculate based off the average male in my postion would strive towards.
That would tally up to sex, partying, sex, making tons of money... Did i Mention Sex?
I am sick and tired of people no longer looking to see who I am and just seeing who they want to see.
I and sick and tired of people assumin I am Perfect.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I just find myself just wanting to slow down life for a brief moment. Sex i sa game too many people are willing to play and it doesnt excite me as much as it did before.
It thrown out there left and right and the seduction and taboo of it is lost.
If I wanted I could take every offer that was presented to me and add notches to my belt...
But Would be the point? Where would be the fun in that? There is no chase... No mystery... No seduction.

It has been a year since I made choices in my life that were rather drastic and changed my life style for the better.
I have been through so many experiences, seen so many things, done so many crazy and outlandish things and made some memoriable irresponsible choices.
I have enjoyed every second of it... But I sit here now thinking to myself...
Wondering if I have hit my ceiling.. If there is nothing more to challange me.
I look for the chase and thrill but I can't seem to find it.

Been there, Done that. I am 20 yrs old and I have done more things and been in more places in one month then many have done in their lifetimes.
I have gathered Random Facts and watched as people worked their lives away worrying about supporting an unknown future.
That is not me. A tie and a cube isn't where I belong.
I belong out in the world, Feet to pavement making moves and living in the action slowing down only when buisness needs to be handled. When I do slow doen it feels as if there is something out there waiting for me so it can happen.

I feel like an addict looking for a way out. I feel drawn to make it to the next level, to feel accomplished,to do what isn't expected of me and actually make something of myself.

Do I Really want to though?
...
Do I want to grow up and be responsible?
......
Do I want to be the guy with the nice house, car and job???

Because with that comes stress, Headaches and pressure. Do I Really want to take that next step to that new level or Just cruise as I am?

Just bullshit through the Rest of College and stay under the radar as I have become accustom to... Above the level of loser... but under the level of a celebrity... Just that guy who is there and everyone Loves and Knows...

What Do I do???

Signed,

A man Lost In a Sea of Questions

What we all think

Its a New year...

New thoughts, new views of life, New people to influence you. I recently went to an open mic Performance in the beautiful city of New York and on the way home i wrote this... I was inspired by a young woman who started off her poem with the most honest words I have ever heard spoken aloud...

Fuck me..

So because of these words I wrote this, It is entitled
'What We All Think':

Those eyes...
They stare at from across the room. Giving that look to often seen and too often felt on the back of my neck.

This feeling is unbearable like your taking a needle and digging away trying to severe my brain from the stem of my backbone.

I gaze back with a sense of Questioning... Why me? Why now?
Is it not the 21st Century and people should speak freely of the feelings... Rather you stand at the End of the Train car glancing at me wondering...

As I sit through this ride, I open up my eyes and I peer into yours as our Minds unconciously intertwine and the thoughts of the imaginable play stop and rewind and play 3 times over and then both look away and sigh wondering what if...

As you walk past me in the mall as I eat my food in silence do you past me looking the way you do. I stop for a moment and you smirk as you look at me while turn your hips toward me and they hit into position so sharp that its like a shot pointed at me and I feel all at once the things I would do if I ever got my hands on Caramel non-sprayed natural tan.

So what would you do if I looking like a well off man instead of a hoodlum ever approached. Would you scream how you really feel? Or would I be another Black with Locks up in your face saying the same old shit... Or would look at each others Face and say what we both really want to say...

"Trying to fuck???"

-Shocking words from the Boy Wonder signing off...

so I had someone ask me a very interesting question...

"Jay why do you act so Prude toward people when everyone loves you so much?"
My response? "Why? they all may love me but how many really care? If I really needed something, How many would actually be there? I am happy to be loved and love right back but sometimes people just don't know how to act...

I am not a horrible person. I try to be as polite as I can be. I treat females with the utmost respect. I give respect to the Guys who earned it. I can honestly I have a hand full of people that I can say I can honestly trust and count on. Females say they are here for me but when I turn for a shoulder to lean on she is chasing a man we both know is no good for her. I try to be there for her but she continually shows me these guys she think is the right one and I just laugh. this not just one female in my life, its 2 or 3. I have a female in my life that would make me hubby in a half a heart beat. I have a woman in my life that puts me before anything else and I don't know why. She has been through the ups and downs by me. She will not leave my side though. Its kind of amazing. The only guy I can say is there for me when ever I need him is currently caught up dealing with his kids and their ups and downs. I think its his way to deal with his inability to understand the thought process that I go through on a regular basis.

So in my life I have:
Gabriel
Harley Quinn
Black Kanary
My Taino Woman
The Twinns

The New additions:
My Wonderman- Now this girl seems to ne perfect. She is strong willed, Feisty, Protective, Outgoing and she is drop dead gorgeous. I try to find her flaws but it seems that she has none. She seems to have everything in order. She knows what she wants. She knows how she wants it... and I can't help but be drawn to it.

Louis Lane- What can I say about this one... She is the beautiful intellectual type that looks past the Nerd by her side and looks for the dashing Superman. I feel like Kent trying to tell her that the image of a man that she is looking for is really something I am but she insists on chasing the image. I try over and over and she keeps me close to her heart but is out looking for that thrill. I guess I shall Let her do so because I cannot change her Views.

sometimes I try to understand all these people but I just go with the flow...

That's all you can do right???

The Boy Wonder Signing off...

J

So I keep coming across these questions between myself and that other person in your head people call the "conscious."
These Questions always seems to be tabled for another discussion and held off until next meeting and always Left as old business.

The questions that seem to always come to mind is who am I?
Where am I going with this?
What am I doing with my life?
Why do I such dumb things?

I have come to the Answer of the question who. Who am I?
I am the guy who brings smiles to people's faces. The guy who is always wanted around.
I am the guy who says outlandish things and gets away with it.
I am the guy ladies can't help but to adore and guys can't help but hate to be around. I am a lost cause on a road to lead to uncertainty.
A man with no plan, no map, no compass, giving the finger to the road less traveled and swinging through vines and trees to find my own groove to the beat.
I am the guy who when out of sight is usually out of mind. A guy adored by many, liked by many more but only truly loved by a handful.
I'm the guy who you think is the perfect guy but really messed up and aspire to be half the man people think I am.
I am the healer during time of need and fade into the distance to figure out how to heal myself once your wing has mended.
I am the guy with the other perspective on life but couldn't tell you why he can't stop himself from doing illogical things.

The other Questions?
Easy...
What am I doing with my life? No clue, riding the waves until I'm brought to a shore that feels right.
Where am I going with this? Just feeling out the rhythms that come from my heart and catch the beat to the right path.
Why do I do such dumb things? Because learning not to repeat them is the purpose of the action to begin with.

I think it all fits into place.
There is no complicated answer to me. I am what you see.
No mysteries and clouded mirrors. I am what I am.
All who I can Be.



J.

-The Boy wonder Signing Off

A random dream of an old Young Man...

Day after day, night after crisp cold night
I stare out my window wondering what's outside.
What can be waiting for me so it can happen
What can I do to make this world a better place.
Pondering of these thoughts birth ideas and dreams...

Ideas and dreams that if it were to come alive and let all the hope buried deep inside trying to release itself and make my world a brighter day.
I end up at a desk trying to draw or write a way.
Trying to make a path to this feeling deep inside and I sit and stare at the red ink on the paper
but its not... Its the blood from my hand because I'm holding onto then pen so tight
hoping that if I keep writing and drawing my dreams will come alive and won't have to worry about what I feel inside.
Cuz by then I would understand that what I dream can come to life If I just believe...

The balance of my unbalanced life

Over the last few weeks many new thoughts have run through my mind. Thoughts of lust, love, affection, emotions and situations in which surround me.

I find myself feeling very close to many people. People at times I think want to throw me off a building but still we stand beside me through my lowest times. People I genuinely love. There are some people I have come across that I would lay some good sex down on but choose not to because it is not within my nature to just run through people's lives in order to get my nut.

The list

I have these people who I find in my life make it all better:


-The Arc Angel Gabriel

I have my arc angel Gabriel who is there for me when I do the dumbest things and the brightest.
My Gabriel Watches over me with a silent eye and whispers word of guidance to keep me straight


- Harley Quinn

Harley is the Girl in my life who no matter how much she gets on your nerves, you can't help but keep close by your side. She does tricks, stunts and back flips just to keep a smile on my face. She is a woman that I would go to the end of the universe and back for just to keep her close.

-Black Canary

A lady who is vocal about EVERYTHING I do. She is the sweetest thing in the world to me. A true ride or die Woman. She would fight the demons of Hell if it meant spending 30 seconds in my arms.
I would fight the Devil himself in order to keep her from pain.
She would come my defence and take care of anyone who means harm against me.

-My Taino Woman

A Truly tough Gale who takes crap from no one, but is weakened by my honesty and compassion.
If it meant telling me or Saint Peter at the gate she would ask to talk to me. I don't quite know why.
I feel she could be a woman to set me straight with a smack and make it up with a kiss.
Even though she probably would never openly admit it.


- The Twins

Although I have just met them I see it becoming the beginning of a beautiful bond. They piss me the hell off but I don't think there is anything within reason that I wouldn't do for them.
For some reason they look up to me and I feel obligated to be there for them.
They remind me of myself for some reason. They have there ups and downs but I can tell they will stick it out in the end

With all of these people in my life I find I have the these ghosts. Ghosts that haunt me and follow me where ever I go.
They leave clues and reminders of their existence. Just when I forget about them they make sure to dig deep and remind of what came of them.
Ghosts that won't go away. I try to ignore them in hopes that if I do it long enough they will disappear.
In the end its clear though that with out those ghosts my life would be an uneven balance and all the good I bad would not truly appreciated if my ghosts were not there...

So I wear my heart on my sleeve wit an iron-clad box around in order to be me. I am a person who is self protected but a free spirit.
Thoughts from trivial people are meaningless to me. Now I must stop judging myself in order to make life more then just content, in order to make me happy...


-Boy wonder Signing off

A Father's Shadow...

As a young boy you are expected to look up to your father and want to be the perfect son to impress your him. Your father is suppose to be a shinning example of how to act and hold yourself. A model father would play catch with his son and teach him the ropes of just being a rambunctious little kid. He should be there through your ups, downs and everything in between.

Growing up as a kid I had no father figure. I had my mother who worked three jobs and was rarely home, two older brothers who ran the streets of Brooklyn being the kids they were, my aunts who had their own kids to worry about and older cousins who paid me no mind and never gave me the time of day because I was just too small. So where did that leave me? It left me as a quiet young child who wanted some attention but at such a young age I would just get in the way. So I always found some way to occupy my time. Reading the same book over and over, watching the same movies over and over, playing inside a cardboard box and pretending to be some where doing very adventerous things and all the while content with what I was doing.

Growing up I always knew who my father was. The man who sent pictures to us from place. The person my mother loved. the person my brothers despised. The man who couldn't wait to meet me. Until my teenage years I never really understood what all that was. As a child I looked like my father and everyone helped I didnt become him. Until I actually saw whaat my father was like I didnt get this concept.

It is not a good feeling to feel helpless while a man who is suppose to be a role model to you abuses your mother, forces your brothers further and futher away from you because they want you to have a father but dont want anything to do with him. Being confused because your family smiles in your father's face and say he is good for nothing behind his back.

The older i get the more I fear I may become him. There is an anger in me that I fear I may one day not be able to control. i watched my brothers have that aggresiveness of my mother and I have seen what they can do. I being a combination of the two puts me in a spot where I am not quite sure what I would do if I lost control. I try to be the best man I can be by respecting females and trying to stay away from being dependent of them. I try to help my mother out within reason without feeling like a slave. I try to stay connected with my brothers and for the rest of my family... they could kick rocks and fall off a cliff for all I care.

I live my life a day at a time and I try to keep in mind that I am not my father, because I am his offspring I will NOT be a mess like him. I will not take advantage of others and treat them like they don't matter. I know the world doesn't revolve around me( although I wish it could at times) My father was a Dick and is now lonely and god only knows what he i sup to right now but I know I have people in my life who care about me and who are there for me.

People say you need a father figure in a boy's life or he will end up a thug in the street up to no good. Look at me though...level headed, loved, and doing something with my life. My mother and brothers kept me on the path. I'm not perfect and I know I have my faults, but at the end of the day I can be proud of what I see in the mirror and no longer live in my father's Shadow

The Boy Wonder Signing off...